


Sewn by the Color Green

by dashakay



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: Curtain Fic, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-04-12
Updated: 2010-05-17
Packaged: 2017-10-08 21:54:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/79885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dashakay/pseuds/dashakay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the morning, she wakes alone in the new, unfamiliar bed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the lovely juniperlane, who asked for 100 words of nine months past Normal as Blueberry Pie. Instead you get this long thing. You don't need to have read the other story to get this. All you need to know is that this is 1) established relationship, 2) Sheldon has met Penny's parents, 3) Penny has a horse in Nebraska named Justin Timberlake, and 4) this is fluffy, slightly angsty curtainfic, if such a thing is possible. Yeah, IDK either.
> 
> Thanks to The Cinematic Orchestra for the title.

_May:_

In the morning, she wakes alone in the new, unfamiliar bed. Something feels different, off, until she realizes that she's in the bedroom of the new house and Sheldon's already left for work.

Everything is different now.

The ring on her finger sparkles in the morning light.

Everything is different now.

So she does what any normal person would do in the midst of the biggest freak-out of their life. She buys a plane ticket online, drives to the airport and gets on the next plane to Omaha.__

 

_February:_

It starts out as sort of a joke one Sunday, a way to kill a little time between lunch at Athens Deli and the 2:05 showing of the new Coen brothers movie.

Penny is at the wheel, Sheldon riding shotgun. They're driving through Bungalow Heaven (Penny loves that it's the actual name of the neighborhood) and Sheldon is lecturing her about how a number of the Craftsman houses were built from kits ordered from the Sears catalogue at the start of the twentieth center.

"Kind of like my sister's mobile home," Penny says, cracking her gum.

She spots a sign in front of a single-story house with a large porch and stone pillars.

OPEN HOUSE TODAY 12-4 PM

She stops the car. "Want to go take a peek?"

"It'd be a waste of our time and the realtor's, Penny. We're not buying a house."

No shit, Penny thinks. Sheldon can hardly bring himself to share his bedcovers with her, let alone a whole house, even if they _could_ afford a house, which they totally can't. "Just for fun?" she says, batting her eyelashes, a ploy that normally has little effect on Sheldon.

"Well, it _is_ an excellent example of the Craftsman style." He glances at his watch. "We have exactly fifty-seven minutes until the movie starts. It'll take approximately nine minutes to reach the theatre from this location. I suppose no harm would come of a brief visit."

The realtor greets them on the porch. She's a woman of indeterminate early middle years with foofy blonde hair and a cleavage-baring pink sundress that's at least two decades too young for her. Her name is Cyndi.

"Hi!" Penny says brightly. "I'm Penny and this is my fiancé, Dr. Sheldon Cooper."

Cyndi's smile widens at the word "doctor." Penny elbows Sheldon in the ribs before he can explain that he's the poor PhD kind of doctor, not the rich medical kind, and that the two of them are not engaged.

One thing he's learned over the last year is that an elbow in the ribs means, "Shut up and I'll explain later."

The realtor takes them on a tour of the house. There's a living room with shiny wood floors and a working fireplace, a dining room complete with built-in buffet, an eat-in kitchen with granite countertops. At the back of the house are two small bedrooms and there's a large, sunny master bedroom at the front. The bathroom has a soaking tub and a pedestal sink. There are jacaranda trees in the front yard and fruit trees in the back.

"The kitchen and bathroom were completely remodeled three years ago," Cyndi says as they stand on the front porch again. "The owners are moving to Seattle in a few weeks, so it's priced for a quick sale."

She could live here, Penny thinks. With a kitchen like that, maybe she'd learn to cook. Sheldon would be in charge of all cleaning-up duties, of course. The living room would look stunning with a red sofa, maybe some dark gold throw pillows. Sort of an opium den in Southern California look. One of the smaller bedrooms could be an office for Sheldon and the other would do for a nursery—

What the _hell_? A nursery? What kind of acid did the cook at Athens Deli put in her gyro? She's not even sure she even wants to have kids. The thought of having kids with Sheldon, let alone _marrying_ him and/or sharing living space with him, is completely, utterly insane.

"How much?" Sheldon asks Cyndi, as always a master of tact and subtlety.

"The asking price is $712,000," Cyndi says.

Penny has to make an effort to keep her jaw from bouncing off the floor of the porch. Jesus Fucking Christ on a combine. In Nebraska, $712,000 would get you a 100-acre farm—livestock and equipment included. $712,000 for a three-bedroom, 1,500-square foot bungalow? No wonder everyone she knows rents.

She looks up at Sheldon, tries to give him a Significant Glance, even though he usually doesn't catch them until she points them out to him later. "The house is lovely but we'll have to give it some thought. We have to get going or we'll miss our movie."

Back in the car, Sheldon asks, "Why did you refer to me as your fiancé when we're not engaged?"

Penny buckles her seatbelt and puts on her sunglasses. "I was just being silly, Sheldon."

He's silent for a long moment. "I see," he finally says, although Penny knows he actually doesn't.

"So, are you going to share your popcorn with me this time?"

"Do I ever share my popcorn?"

"Nope," she says, shaking her head and smiling. "If I want my own popcorn I should buy my own popcorn. You've taught me well." She puts the key in the ignition.

*

It was all a joke, this looking for a house business, but apparently she forgot to tell Sheldon because the next Sunday morning, before she's even halfway through her first cup of coffee, he shoves a thick sheaf of papers in her face.

"What's this?" she mumbles.

"I've been searching the MLS database for houses that would be suitable for our requirements and our separate and collective financial situations."

She takes a huge gulp of coffee. "We're not looking for a house. We're not even living together now."

Sheldon butters his toast—non-Cylon toast since they're at her place, which is a Cylon-free zone. "I've been thinking about this all week. It seems foolish that we're paying two rents when we spend most of our nights at your apartment. Rent is wasteful because it doesn't build equity. Really, Penny, buying a house seems like the only logical course of action."

Penny sighs. She's lived with someone before—almost four years with Kurt. They'd co-signed a lease together, bought furniture and electronics. She'd thought they'd been building a life together but Kurt had been operating under the assumption that their apartment was merely a comfortable place to crash between banging random girls he met at the gym and the club where he was a bouncer.

Not that Sheldon would ever cheat on her. If anyone is less likely to stray, she'd like to meet that guy and possibly exhibit him at the California Science Center as the Man Least Likely to Cheat in the World.

It's not that. It's that she remembers how hard it was to pack up a carload of her stuff and move into an empty apartment. To admit defeat and leave Kurt. The first few nights in her new apartment, she was kind of afraid to sleep alone. Her new bed just didn't feel right without Kurt's familiar bulk next to her. She remembers how scared she was to be alone, really on her own for the first time in her adult life.

It took her months to feel steady on her own two feet after she left Kurt, despite her sunny smiles and assurances to everyone that she was doing just fine. She's settled now. She's with Sheldon, but she's also independent. And she's pretty sure she likes it.

"Sheldon, no. We've never talked about living together and now you want to buy a house? A house we couldn't afford even if we wanted to buy a house?"

He lifts his morning-stubbled chin. "If money's the issue, may I remind you that you've done four commercials in the last six months and there's your guest spots on—"

She cuts him off. "No," she says firmly. "Maybe we can talk about this later, but for right now can't we just enjoy things as they are? _You're_ the one who hates change, not me."

"Fine," Sheldon huffs, tapping the stack of papers back into order. "I'll table this discussion for a later date."

And that's the end of that, she thinks.__

 

_March:_

Penny flies up to Vancouver for a week to shoot a Lifetime movie. It's something about a woman who is impregnated with her fertility doctor's sperm. In other words, it's total crap, but it's a paycheck, and a nice one at that. She'll finally be able to buy a new car. She's playing the woman's sister and all it really requires from her is the ability to look alternately sympathetic and outraged.

Vancouver is damp and chilly, just as it's supposed to be. It's a nice break from the unrelentingly sunny warmth of L.A. While she appreciates not freezing her butt off all winter, experiencing an actual season is a nice change of pace.

She's surprised at how much she misses Sheldon. This is the first time they've been apart more than a day or two in the seventeen months they've been together.

Sheldon is often annoying, sometimes infuriating. Half the time it feels like she's involved with a strong-willed four year-old. They probably argue more than they should. Sometimes it feels like they're speaking two different languages and their translator has wandered off and gotten drunk.

But Sheldon can also be unexpectedly sweet. Just when she's ready to beam him in the head with her _Gilmore Girls_ box set, he'll go and do something like scratching her back as they're watching a movie. Scratching her back when she didn't even consciously notice it was itchy, but he did notice that she was rubbing her back against the couch cushions. Or there was the time he brought her chicken soup and ginger ale when she was down with the flu. True, he wore a surgical mask every time he crossed her threshold, but he also went out and bought her the trashy magazines he so often scorned and he brushed the tangles out of her hair when she was too weak to lift a brush to her head.

She misses him with a pang that actually feels physical—something empty and yawning at the pit of her stomach. She misses his clean, minty smell when he comes to bed fresh from the shower. She even misses his lectures on stuff like the importance of twice-daily flossing. But what she misses most of all is how he practically purrs like a kitten at her touch, something that seems extra special to her because she knows she's the only one whose touch he welcomes, let alone tolerates.

It's a long week of sitting around on the set and then sitting around in her hotel room, watching Canadian cable TV. The guy playing the evil doctor, some soap star, keeps flashing his capped teeth at her and asking her out for sushi. She says no every time. Maybe a few years ago she would have found him handsome, thought that he was interesting, but everything's different now.

All she wants is to go home. To Sheldon.

*

Leonard is nice enough to pick her up from the airport. On the phone, she'd gotten the impression that Sheldon would be there, too, but Leonard pulls up outside baggage claim solo. He explains that Sheldon got stuck on a conference call and that they'll pick him up at Caltech on their way home.

It's a little awkward. They haven't been together in more than two years and Leonard handled the news about her and Sheldon much better than she could have ever imagined, but still. They haven't spent any time alone since the breakup. There's always been Sheldon, Raj, or Howard to act as a buffer and keep things from getting tense.

She fills the car with chatter and gossip about the shoot in Vancover. It almost lasts them the whole way up 110, but she finally runs out of steam with a good five minutes of driving left.

"So, how are _you_?" she asks, tapping her fingers on the dashboard.

"I'm good, I'm good," he says. He turns his head to glance at her and then brings his eyes back to the freeway. "What's this I hear about you and Sheldon buying a house?"

She nearly spits caramel Frappuccino all over the car. "What?"

"Sheldon told me you guys are looking for a house."

A flush rises in her cheeks. "We are _not_ buying a house, Leonard. I don't know what Sheldon's been smoking but I'm thinking I'd like some of that."

"You might want to tell Sheldon that. He's been searching for houses online every spare minute he has."

She shakes her head in disgust. "What kind of monster did I create? I dragged him to an open house last month and somehow he decided that we need to buy a house. But I thought we'd straightened that all out."

"Penny, Penny, Penny," Leonard chides. "You know Sheldon better than that. When he gets something in his head, like buying a house, he's not going to just let it go."

"Jesus," she says. "You're so right."

"I've been waiting for years for you to say that," Leonard says with a sad little chuckle. They exit onto South Arroyo.

She feels a small twinge of regret that she and Leonard hadn't been able to work it out. He's a nice guy. Really, he is. But they didn't make sense together. Not that she and Sheldon make any sense, at least on paper, but somehow they do. At least, most of the time. No, she doesn't understand it, either. But Leonard is doing all right. He and Leslie get back together and break up every few weeks. It seems to work for them.

They pull up in front of Lauritsen and Sheldon is waiting outside for them, resplendent in a red t-shirt and orange thermal underneath, his messenger bag strap across his chest.

"You're seven minutes late," he says to Leonard, climbing into the car.

"Hello to you, too, sweetheart," she says.

"Hello, Penny," Sheldon says.

She turns around to give him a raised-eyebrow look. "Miss me?" She knows he did. He told her on the phone in his stilted Sheldon fashion but it never hurts to get a little reassurance.

"Of course I did."

"Enough, you two," Leonard says, a little grumpily. "Let's go pick up some Chinese. Howard and Raj are coming over at seven."

*

She manages to detach Sheldon from Defender around midnight and drag him across the hall, much to the amusement of Howard and Raj. She shudders to think what those two have to say when she and Sheldon leave for the night.

As soon as the door closes behind them, Penny kisses Sheldon.

It's always a little awkward at first whenever she starts up anything physical with Sheldon. It takes a few minutes for his overactive brain to power down and his hormones to ramp up but when they do, he seems to transform into another person. His movements become fluid and his voice turns lower, softer. In the dark of the bedroom, Sheldon isn't a socially stunted boy-man. He's just a man, like any other.

She arches her back as he enters her. She's missed this so much, this coming together, where everything fits and makes perfect sense for a change.

Later, she's almost asleep, still wrapped in a warm blanket of contentedness, when she realizes she never asked Sheldon about the house thing. Tomorrow, she thinks, as her eyes involuntarily close. We'll definitely talk about this tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

_April:_

It's late at night, too late since Penny has to be on the _Bones_ set at seven in the morning to reprise her plucky cop role. But something has been gnawing at her, especially in the wake of the whole house-buying debate.

Sheldon is lying next to her, already mummified in his bedding. She knows he's not yet asleep, though. His breathing is too irregular.

"Sheldon?" she asks in the dark.

"I'm sleeping, Penny."

"No, you're not."

"I was almost asleep."

"Well, now you're almost awake," she says, rolling onto her side to face him. "Can I ask you a question?"

He sighs. "What is it?"

"Do you love me?"

Penny is aware that this is dangerous territory she's treading. A late-night conversation about love is what finally finished Leonard and her off. But still. She's feeling a little needy tonight. Blame PMS. Or the tandoori chicken that's not settling in her stomach quite right.

She hears the covers rustle, as if Sheldon is de-cocooning. "What kind of question is that?"

"It's a pretty simple question. Do you love me?"

"Did I not tell you I loved you on March twelfth of last year?"

Penny rolls her eyes even though it's dark and there's no way Sheldon can possibly see her. "Yeah, you told me you loved me. But you haven't said it since then."

He snaps on the bedside lamp and she blinks at the unexpected light.

Sheldon sits up. "Penny, would I continue to put up with you if I no longer loved you?"

"I don't know. I do drive you around a lot," she says, shrugging. This was a really, really bad idea.

"I could still get rides from Leonard if I needed them."

"You're _such_ a romantic."

Sheldon looks down at his hands, resting on the comforter. "I love you," he says. "It's not something that's easy for me to say."

"I know, I know," she says, half-smiling. "But I would appreciate hearing it once in a while."

"I'll set weekly reminders in iCal."

"Oh my god," she says, mock-punching him in the arm. "You wouldn't, would you?"

"That was an attempt at a joke."

"Don't even try," she says, tucking the blankets around her. "It never really works out for you."

Sheldon turns the light off and she feels him settle back into bed.

"Do you love me?" he asks.

"What do you think?" she says. "Would I still put up with you if I didn't love you anymore?"

"No, no you wouldn't."

"Then you have your answer," she says and rolls onto her stomach.

*

Once the Lifetime check has cleared, Penny buys a new car—a shiny black Volkswagen Jetta.

Sheldon asks if he can come with her to the dealership. She's not really sure it's such a great idea. There's an outside chance he'll say or do something to piss off the salesman and get them thrown out on their asses.

"You have to promise me you'll be on your best behavior," she warns him on the way.

"When am I not?" he says with a straight face. Oh, Sheldon. Such a lack of self-awareness.

But he surprises her. While Sheldon likes to think he knows everything about cars, even though he doesn't drive, he stands aside and lets her handle her business. She straightens her spine and turns on the charm with the salesman, charm mixed with a healthy dollop of "don't even try to fuck me over because I've got your number, buddy."

In the end, she talks the guy down to a reasonable price and gets him to throw in a GPS navigation system and upgraded stereo for free. And Sheldon didn't get them permanently banned from the lot. All in all, a good day.

A few days later, she trades in her old car and picks up the new one. This is her first new car ever. The Check Engine light is off. There aren't any cracks in the windshield. All mirrors are present and accounted for. This is probably the most exciting thing that's ever happened to her. More exciting than meeting David Boreanaz, even, and she was desperately in love with Angel all through middle school.

She picks up Sheldon at Caltech. While she's waiting for him to come outside, she closes her eyes and savors the new car smell.

Penny hears the car door open. "What are you doing?" Sheldon asks.

"I'm smelling my new car."

He wrinkles his nose. "It smells like plastic injection molding, vinyl and synthetic upholstery."

"I know," she says dreamily. "Isn't it great?"

*

Sunday morning and she's only half-awake, dreaming of blueberry pancakes with butter and real maple syrup. If only she had a magical fairy to do her bidding. Maybe Sheldon will be in the mood to go out for breakfast, even though he doesn't trust eggs of unknown provenance.

"Penny, are you awake?"

Her eyes flutter open and she blearily glances at the alarm clock. "It's only 9:43," she says thickly. "What do you think?"

"If you're currently responding to the sound of my voice, then I'm relatively certain you're awake."

She sits up so she can better glare at him. Sheldon is still in his pajamas, his hair rumpled in the way she likes it. "What do you want, Sheldon? If it's sex, you're going to have to make me some coffee. A _lot_ of coffee."

He sits down on the edge of the bed. "While sex would be a pleasant way to spend the morning, I have a surprise." She's finally trained Sheldon so that he doesn't refer to sex as "coitus" anymore.

"I don't even want to know what would count as a surprise for you," she groans.

"I apologize for precipitously waking you. If I promise to make you a pot of coffee and an English muffin, will you get up and get dressed?"

"What's the surprise?"

Sheldon purses his lips. "You know that if I told you it wouldn't be a surprise."

"Fine, fine," she says, stretching. "But that coffee had better be strong."

*

They get in the car, the brand-new car that still smells brand new and a little like the smoothie from Jamba Juice she spilled on the passenger seat the day before. She tried to get it out of the upholstery, but it stained. Sheldon looks at the seat like a dog took a crap all over it. "There's a stain on my seat," he says.

"It's not your seat. It's _my_ seat, bought with my own money, and you just happen to sit there sometimes," she points out.

"Your brand new car. How could you?"

She shrugs. "It happened. Let's do our best to move on from the tragedy. Where are we going, anyhow?"

He gets in the car and slams the door. "Drive to Caltech."

"Caltech on a Sunday? You've already shown me the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, remember?"

"We're not going to the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Just drive to Caltech."

"Okay, but we're going to Peet's first," she says.

"You just had a cup of coffee. Two cups. Are you aware that caffeine's a drug?"

"That's why I need more," Penny says through clenched teeth.

Penny gets her mocha, extra espresso shot, and they drive to Caltech without further incident.

"Are we going to your office?" she asks. At least it shouldn't be hard to find parking on a Sunday.

"No," he says. "Take a right at the next intersection."

Sheldon guides her about six blocks from the campus. The car turns onto a leafy block of small houses.

Something suspicious flares in her. "Are you going to tell me where we're going?"

"Third house on the right," he simply says.

She looks ahead and spots a FOR SALE sign at the house in question, a small Spanish-style bungalow.

She's going to fucking kill Sheldon. Kill him dead.

"This would be an excellent place to park," Sheldon says, pointing at a spot.

"I have half a mind to just drive your butt home," she says, but she parks all the same. She turns to him. "Did we not say we weren't going to talk about houses?"

He pretends to be surprised. "I said I'd table the discussion but we didn't set a definite date to resume our talks."

She wants to bang her head on the steering wheel. "You can't just let go of anything, can you?"

"No, I can't."

"You're a real piece of work, Sheldon."

He touches her cheek so briefly that for a second she's sure she just imagined it. "Could you make an attempt to give it a fair hearing? I've been assiduously searching and I believe I've found the perfect house—the _only_ house in the Greater Pasadena area that would satisfy the both of us."

She takes a last swallow of the sweet coffee. "Fine," she says. "But we're not committing to _anything_, okay? And if I find out that you already bought the house or something equally cockamamie, you're going to be a hurting unit for days to come."

"Trust me," Sheldon says, a strange smile on his face.

"Last time I did that, I ended up in Muncie, Indiana for four days at a comic book convention with you. _You_ might think that Muncie is a good place for a romantic getaway, but I don't."

"Your definition of 'romantic' is incredibly limited, Penny."

"Fine," she says, flicking hair out of her eyes. "Let's go look at this house. But we're only looking, got it?"

"Trust me," he says again.

Now she's really scared.


	3. Chapter 3

Surprise, surprise. Their good friend Cyndi opens the front door of the house.

"Dr. Cooper!" Cyndi cries, and throws her arms around Sheldon. Penny watches with amusement as he practices his form of passive resistance by standing stiffly and not returning Cyndi's hug in any way, shape or form.

Cyndi unwraps herself from Sheldon and turns to Penny. "And his lovely fiancée, Peggy!"

"It's Penny," she mutters.

"Of course it is, dear." Cyndi is resplendent this morning in a pair of skintight lime green capris and a fluorescent pink Lycra tank top. Her skin is tanned the exact color of Justin Timberlake's saddle and her hair has been teased into a majestic dome of a French twist.

"Your fiancé is such a delight," Cyndi goes on. "It truly was a pleasure showing him so many houses this week."

Penny flashes Sheldon a look. So. He's been looking at houses all week with Cyndi. "I'm sure Sheldon was a ton of fun for you," she says dryly, patting him on the arm. "That's my Sheldon—more fun than a barrel of monkeys."

They all walk inside the house. The layout is basically the same bungalow layout as the house they'd toured last month—living room, dining room, kitchen. It's just a lot smaller than the other house. There are only two bedrooms, the bathroom is miniscule and there's no front porch.

"Just look at this buffet," Cyndi says in the dining room, training her cotton candy fingernails along the shiny wood. "Completely restored. And the floors were just refinished a few months ago."

"Could you give us a few minutes to wander around?" Penny asks.

"Of course, darling." Cyndi gets her phone out and starts up a rapid-fire conversation with someone named Ed.

The living room is a decent size, although painted a grim shade of burgundy. The fireplace is flanked by glassed-in bookcases. The afternoon light makes patterns on the floorboards.

"Small kitchen," Penny mutters. It's not large enough to eat in, but the fridge, dishwasher and stove are new and there's a big window with a view of the backyard. The cabinets, however, are a disaster, made of that cheap, fake wood she's seen in many a crappy apartment, and the countertops are a vintage shade of Harvest Gold.

They walk into the master bedroom. "And this is where the magic happens," says Penny, in a fake-dramatic voice.

"I don't get it," Sheldon says.

"You wouldn't. It's an _MTV Cribs_ reference."

"I don't watch MTV."

"I'm aware, sweetie."

She scrutinizes the closet, wondering if she'd be able to cram all her clothes in there, plus Sheldon's. Is it big enough to build in a shoe rack at some point?

The second bedroom is at the back of the house. "This would be an ideal office for me," he says.

"Don't you mean a containment unit for your comic books and little dolls?"

"Action figures, Penny. _Action figures_."

She rolls her eyes. "It's no fun to tease you."

Out in the backyard, the air seems cleaner, fresher, than the air in her neighborhood. She can hear a lawnmower somewhere in the distance.

"If we had a yard, who'd cut the grass?" she asks.

"You're the one accustomed to farm labor, Penny."

Super. Just super.

There's a small patio in the yard, with an umbrella table and chairs. For an instant, Penny imagines drinking her coffee there in the morning, feeding the birds scraps of her toast.

Back inside the house, Cyndi explains that there's central air and a brand-new water heater, although the washer and dryer are almost ten years old. A washer and dryer would mean never having to haul her laundry up and down four flights of stairs.

It's a nice house. A cute little cottage, perfect for two. The kitchen and the bathroom could use some work, and the whole place desperately needs painting (who paints a bedroom _navy blue_?), but she has to admit that the house _is_ kind of perfect for them. Damn. She hates it when Sheldon's right.

"How much?" she asks, as bluntly as Sheldon did last month.

Sheldon is the one to pipe up. "The asking price is $519,000."

My God. True, the price is almost $200,000 less than the last house, but it's still more than a half a million dollars. Half a freaking million dollars. Penny would be willing to bet her brand new car that, even with her acting success over the last year, she hasn't made half that amount in her entire working life.

"There are a number of generous tax incentives available to first-time homebuyers," Sheldon points out.

"Of course," she says, nodding her head like she has any idea what he's talking about.

"I'm sure you two kids would like to discuss this," Cyndi says.

"We sure do," says Penny. "It's a great house but Sheldon and I need to talk."

They all troop outside. "When are you two getting married?" Cyndi asks.

"Halloween," Penny says. She's a really good liar. Acting, after all, is only an advanced form of lying. "Sheldon really wants to get married on Halloween so everyone can wear costumes. I'm planning on being The Bride from _Kill Bill_. You know, white dress, veil, splattered with blood."

"How interesting," Cyndi says, clearly appalled.

Once safely in the car, Sheldon asks, "Why do you persist with the falsehood that we're getting married?"

"Because it's funny?"

"I don't find it very amusing."

"You don't have a sense of humor." She starts the car.

"I have a sense of humor," he huffs.

She rolls her eyes. "Sure you do, Sheldon."

"What about the house?"

"What about it?"

"Should we buy it?"

"I need to think about it. It's a really big step. And a ton of money. Can we even afford it?"

"How much time do you need to deliberate? In the meantime, someone else could buy the house."

She sighs. "I don't know, okay? I just need to think about it. Can you give me that?"

"I can give you twenty-four hours," he says.

"Gee, twenty-four whole hours. Thanks, Sheldon!"

"You're very welcome," he says, in all seriousness.

*

Penny promises Sheldon she'll think about the house and shuts her door in his face. She turns off her phone. She needs to make this decision without his shifty influence. Really, she wouldn't put it past him to sneak in some kind of subliminal messages.

But instead of sitting down and thinking about the issues, she manages to do everything else instead. She paints her toenails baby blue. She reads the script for another crappy Lifetime movie her agent wants her to read for (this time she'd be the consoling older sister of a teen mom/stalking victim). She catches up on all the latest gossip on Perez Hilton. She pays her cable and electric bills. She even does her dishes. Man, does coffee get moldy fast.

Just after 6:00, Penny runs out of things to do, short of her laundry and waxing her eyebrows. She can't procrastinate any more.

She settles on the couch with a glass of wine and a pad of paper. As a kid, whenever she was having trouble making a major decision, her dad would always say, "Make a list, Pen. Pros and cons. " So that's just what she does—she makes a nice, logical list, written with a sparkly fuchsia gel pen.

_ **Living with Sheldon** _

**Pros:**

*The house will always be neat &amp; clean  
*A backyard, with actual grass &amp; trees &amp; stuff  
*Dishwasher  
*Laundry that's not coin-operated  
*Won't have to call the cops on the guys upstairs when they stay up all night trying to learn how to play every Metallica song ever on their guitars  
*No more driving around trying to find a parking space at 3 in the morning  
*Walls that can be painted a color that's not white  
*Fireplace  
*~~Equality~~ Equity, not rent  
*I love Sheldon &amp; I guess it's time we take things to the next level since we've been together more than a year

**Cons:**

*Sheldon's a neat freak &amp; will lose his mind if I ever leave a coffee cup in the sink  
*Mowing the lawn  
*I can't afford a house!!! HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.  
*What if I don't get any more work &amp; have to go back to working at the Factory?  
*My credit is shit  
*A lot of walls to paint &amp; have to cover up burgundy &amp; dark blue  
*No tub in the bathroom  
*Didn't work out last time I lived w/a guy  
*Geeks will be in my house 24-7  
*Living w/comic books &amp; action figures  
*Sheldon will make a million rules OMG  
*Sheldon might be crazy  
*NO ESCAPE FROM SHELDON EVER

She's still working away at the list when she hears Sheldon's patented triple knock at the door.

"I'm not going to open up for you!" she calls out. She told him he had to leave her alone for the day. As usual, he didn't listen.

Ten minutes later she hears a scraping noise and notices a folded-up piece of paper on the floor near the door.

_Dear Penny:_

We have ordered food from Siam Palace and plan to watch the J.J. Abrams Star Trek reboot. While I find it a slick and soulless perversion of Gene Rodenberry's original vision, it's not unwatchable and I'm aware that you find both Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto to be attractive, if your Tumblr account is any judge.

I hope you will join us. I promise no pressure about the house situation.

Cordially,

Sheldon Cooper

It never fails to crack her up that Sheldon signs all notes, emails and text messages with his last name, as if she might confuse him with all the other Sheldons she knows. At least he doesn't add the "Dr." anymore. That's progress.

She's hungry, sick of weighing her pros and cons, and—yes—Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto _are_ hot. Fine. She'll go over there. If Sheldon starts something up about the house, she can always go back to her place. Or punch his lights out.

*

Sheldon opens the door and ushers her inside. The living room is empty and quiet.

"Where are the guys?" she asks.

A tiny smile flits across Sheldon's face. "Leonard, Howard and Raj have gone to see a special screening of the director's cut of David Lynch's _Dune_. I must admit that I lured you over here on false pretenses."

"What?"

He points with a flourish to his whiteboard, which is covered with the kind of complicated formula that gives her a migraine just to look at. "I want to show you, with mathematical precision, why we'd be utter fools not to buy this house."

Her hands curl into fists. "You're a dead man," Penny whispers under her breath. "_Dead_."


End file.
